Maxine for President
I had been meaning to post this last fall, but then things got busy. Nonetheless, with Clinton still in the race til the bitter end, I thought I might as well get it in anyway.
Last Fall, I received a chain letter from someone and it read like this:
Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. For those of you who would like a choice for President, we have a solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President . One choice is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems.PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment…
Very eloquently put……… ..don’t you think?
Maxine on “Driver Safety” “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”.. …..
Maxine on “Housework” “I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.
“Maxine on “Lawn Care” “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
ETC …
Eloquently put? Presidential? No. Inflamatory, bigotted, jingoistic. Dumb.
Well, the last three I quoted were kind of cute–actually, all of the other quotes after the two pictures were. Cute, but not presidential either. And, who is this chick anyway? Some bizarro Gasoline Alley knockoff for talk radio fanatics?
If only there was a way to search a vast network of information, stored and transmitted electronically…
After hours of backbreaking legwork, I learned that Maxine is not a comic strip at all, but rather a regular character for Hallmark Greeting Card’s “Shoebox” collection. Remember those? They are aimed at older ladies, and have zingy, irreverent punchlines that are just a tiny bit innapropriate. You know, things like Maxine hates arthritis this, Maxine hires male prositutes that. Tee hee.
Then it occured to me that in those two photos, maxine doesn’t actually “say” those things from speech bubbles, they are quotes. By way of bad photoshop skills, we assume attribution of said quotes to said dame by way of proximity.
A quick look on SNOPES turned up goose egg, as this is apparently not a high-enough profile case for them. So, with a dozen other much more important things to do, I went to hallmark dot com and shot them a quick note in their customer support section:
Customer (David Seezen) – 09/14/2007 07:39 AM
Dear Sir,
I have noticed that there has been an upsurge in “Maxine For President”going around on the internet, blogs, chain letter email, etc. Includedwith some familiar Maxine quotes are also such reactionary chestnuts asthis one:”It’s one nation under God and if you don’t like it, kiss my skinny old assand leave.”
Are these actual quotes from Maxine? Do they reflect the views of Hallmarkand John Wagner?
Sincerely,
David Seezen
And there you go. I immediately felt very stupid and ashamed for bothering these people. I hadn’t heard back from them after a week, but the thought came to me that I didn’t need them to confirm what was already obvious: Hallmark would never endorse language that would offend and alienate at least half of their target customers. Selling cards that cater to religious themes and occasions is one thing; opining that those who do not embrace the view that the United States government is– or at least should be a theocracy– ought to impose themselves to exile, and those who feel flag burning is a valid form of respectful protest should commit suicide by self-immolation, that’s just bad business.
It is difficult for me to deal with emails like these. Not because they ring true and that makes me nervous; they don’t, and it doesn’t. But the sender (rather, the forwarder) of this email is someone whom I love very much, and is one of those people that I simply cannot bring myself to argue with about such things. That is awkward for me, and I am afraid to hurt their feelings.
And after all, don’t these kind of emails usually end with something like “if this offends you, just delete it!”? One could interpret that as a handy way to proactively belittle your thin little liberal skin — take it like a man! But really this isn’t about the reader being offended, it’s about the author taking offense at your opposing viewpoint.
I never responded to this email for the first reason, not the second. I take the actual author of this screed to task for being wrong: he is confusing his own screwed up sentimentality with what it truly means to be an American. His is an opinion not only warped and offensive, it is simply wrong. Wrong and unacceptable.
Also, a few days later, I got this reply from Hallmark:
Response (Support Agent) – 10/10/2007 11:14 AM
Thank you for contacting Hallmark.
These quotes attributed to Maxine are not from Maxine or Hallmark. They are unauthorized copies and uses of Maxine’s likeness.
We appreciate your interest in Hallmark and hope we were able to help you.
Thanks,
Hallmark Consumer Carewww.Hallmark.com
Question Reference #070914-000050————————————————————— Escalation Level: Supervisor Escalation
Product Level 1: Consumer Care Product Level 2: General Date Created: 09/14/2007 07:39 AM Last Updated: 10/10/2007 11:14 AM Status: Solved
Status solved, beeyotch. So nyah.
