How to kill (or catch) a fly (almost) every time
Anyone who knows me, knows that I love animals. But many animals do kill other animals. We human animals (sorry Dad, we are animals) can kill any animal. But we also can make choices.
After the non-news story of our president killing a fly, I was pretty annoyed at the resulting sub-non-news story where Peta was made to look stupid.
Peta is an organisation–my parents can attest to–I took an interest to mid-college (around that time all the interesting girls decide that they are really lesbians, or so I’ve read). Though I’m not a card carrier (I eat meat, for one) I respect their point of view and it is some way applicable to many other issues one faces.
So I was pretty annoyed, after they were baited into saying something about the Obama fly thing that after what they said was pretty lukewarm and non-shrill, they were still treated to such a mob lambasting.
That said, I know a really good way to take out houseflies. It works almost every time, but you really have to want it because it is kind of gross too.
The fly (call it the target) must be on a flat surface, parallel to the ground otherwise it might not work.
- With your body centered on the fly, hold open hands slightly less than shoulder width on either side of fly (see the magnificent 7). Hands are about 4 inches above the surface the fly is on. Make sure there are no empty bottles or Hummel figurines in the way. This is the hardest part.
- Clap your hands together quickly. Pretty quick. If you are super quick you might be too quick. If you try to be quick but not too quick, you are too slow. So just do it regular quick. Clap those hands.
- Be astounded by the squashed fly in your hands. Or throw the live fly out the window and shut it quick–super quick.
How does it work? Some kind of vacuum? No, stupid. When the fly sees your hands closing in–they have remarkable reflexes–they take right off. But they take off not like planes, but like helicopters: up. They fly right into the trap. And get squashed.
It’s kind of gross: you get squashed fly on you so you need to wash up. But your fly is dead so it is a pretty damn fair trade, eh?
Me being all faggy not-anti-peta and all, I don’t really enjoy killing the little bugs, even the tiniest ones, when not necessary. So this presents the next challenge, fanboy.
A Real jedi knight can just clap his cupped hands and release the critter — then shut the damn window!
This of course is much much more challenging, but Yoda could do it like in his sleep.